Response to 'Not loving your wedding' on APW

I just read this post over at A Practical Wedding about the guilt that women feel if their wedding isn't the most fantastic day of their lives. This rang a bell for me because, although I loved our wedding, and adore being married, there were times during the engagement when I felt scared, or unhappy about things and didn't feel like I could talk to anybody about it. Lucky for me, I have a long suffering friend who was happy to dry my tears and listen to my frustrations, and also give me a smack of reality when I needed it, but I wonder what happens to the people (I assume that women aren't the only ones who feel like this) who don't have an Amy?

Are the ones who go on feeling lost and confused, the same ones who get shepherded into the world of bridal magazines and unrealistic expectations? After all, there must be a certain amount of security in being told exactly what your wedding is meant to be like, to look like and to feel like and, leading up the wedding, it may ease the fears and give the desired sense of control. The trouble is that on the day that you actually get married, you have to put down the pen and checklist and just roll with it and, if you're not prepared to do that, all the drama is going to be overwhelming, and all the unraveling plans, devastating.

Being realistic, even if your wedding is the happiest day of your life, there's still going to be bits that you grit your teeth over later. Don't expect it to be perfect, it won't be. Instead, allow yourself to experience it for exactly what it is and try not to compare it to much to what you envisioned, because out of all the mess, the glory, the drama, the tears and the elevation, you are going to find some truly amazing moments.

When I went on to read the comments for this post, what concerned me was the number of ladies still planning their weddings, who are scared that they won't enjoy the day. My advice to them is to put on a Doris Day record and drop the needle on Que Sera Sera. The future is not ours to see, but it is ours to create. The more one worries, stresses and frets, the less room is left for joy.

It sounds easy to say but, honestly, don't stress too much about how you will feel on the day. Whatever will be, will be, but you're not going to enjoy any of it if you are busy peaking out over what you should be feeling. You may even find that the bits you didn't plan, like the impromptu jam session between your uncle and your husband's band, or that really sweet thing that Aunty Jill whispered in your ear, or rocking out to your favourite old mix tape on the way to the ceremony, are the bits that you remember the most. Of course, that's easy for me to say, our whole wedding was pretty organic, and also a lot more about our community than about ourselves. For us, part of having a good time, was seeing that everybody else was having a good time.

I can't promise that it will be like this for everyone, but after the ceremony I was pretty much untouchable. That was the thing that we had been building up to, that was the big one. We drew a line around it, owned it, and made it exactly what we wanted it to be. The party, that's easy stuff. Like any other party, it's the people (and the music) that make it or break it. Also, like any party, you're not going to be silly with joy the whole time, but that doesn't mean that the whole thing can't be positive. So, if you love your ceremony and love the people you invite to celebrate with you, everything will fine. It may even be better than you imagined.

p.s. The photo is not me having a trantrum, but of busting a move and singing my heart out to Under Pressure (Bowie/Queen). Rather than making a song list, we just asked a friend of ours to spin records and trusted that it would be as spot on as he usually is. As you can see, he did just fine.

The breakfast rule, or, when does brunch begin?

Recently a friend was trying to convince me that it was ok to have breakfast and brunch in the same day. I thought this was rubbish, as my understanding of brunch was a mash up of breakfast and lunch for those days when you sleep until is too late for the former, but too early for the latter. I argued this point to no avail until she left the breakfast table at my house to meet friends for an alledged brunch, which I maintain was actually a morning tea. If only I had been less distracted by my cup of tea and had thought to bring the dictionary to the party. According to the Australian version of the Collins English Dictionary (kindly gifted to the boy and I as a wedding present), brunch is a noun describing a meal eaten late in the morning, combining breakfast with lunch, and morning tea is the Australian equivalent of elvenses, comprised of a mid-morning snack with a cuppa. So, to the double dippers among you, I wave my dictionary in victory!

I know it's not earth shatteringly important, but I do enjoy being right almost as much as I enjoy a good breakfast.


I had an especially good breakfast this morning, after spending a little time in the garden. I watered and weeded and trimmed some of the more unruly plants. I finally got to eat one of my strawberries before the birds noticed that it was ripe, and I picked three more cucumbers off one of our very productive little plants.


By this point it was already a sunny and clear day, so I thought I might stop for a breakfast of zucchini chutney, gouda cheese and freshly picked cucumber on toast. I sat on the back deck and looked out at our little slice of urban jungle with the satisfaction of knowing that this is only the begining. Leigh and I will have our lives to grow and craft the garden, the home, the lifestyle that we dream of.


While we planned our wedding we had to take a long hard look at our values because we realised that every decision we were making was symbolic. We didn't just sign up to be together, but to be part of our community. This means that we have to garden, and cook good, healthy food, and have parties, and make experiences worth having because we promised each other that we would actively build the world that we want to live in. If the wedding day represents the ideal life, then every day after that is about building it together.


This year's resolution is simply to do things. To do them with thought, and care, and grace, but still to stop making excuses and get on with the doing. Doing, however, cannot happen on an empty stomach, so always, always breakfast first.

Somebody Told Me

Somebody told me that, although we didn't remotely match, we were the most cohesive bridal party that they had ever seen. It's true, we all looked like rock stars!

Thanks for the cups of tea and the karaoke session in the car. Thanks for the love and the friendship. Thanks for being there.

2010 will be a good year, I think.

While stealing a quiet moment together, I turned to my husband and said,

"Look at all these people, Leigh. Every single one of them really loves us!"

As we stumbled towards the hotel from our wedding reception, back in my sensible boots and armed with treats from the day, the feeling we kept returning to was the overwhelming amount of love that we had experienced. The entire day was spent basking in the joy we felt about each other, and the excitement and support of our community. The people in our lives, both daily and less frequently, are the reason that we got married in the way that we did. As we had our celebrant explain on the day, it will be their presence, their act of wittnessing, and their endorsement of our marriage which will hold us to account for the promises we made. We are not an island. No matter how deeply we stare into eachother, we can not and will not cancel out the world around us, so it is important that our community is on board from the get go. After all, there may come a time when we need them to kick us in the pants and remind us of what we said, why we said it, and they all saw us say it, so we'd better lift our game.

Of Elephants and Gingerbread Construction.

A Merry Christmas to all.

Gingerbread House by Maeve and Me
Photographs by Me
Lighting by Amy
Eating by One and All

The Dream Machine

The knot is tied, the vows said, the rings exchanged, the promises made and sealed with a scorching hot kiss! We are married and for the past two weeks we have been driving around in our beast of a vehicle, camping in quiet spaces, hiking to waterfalls and mountain tops, not getting sunburnt, eating, and loving each other to bits. There are busy times on the cards, but in my limited spare moments I try to will recapture in words and pictures the beautiful experience, which was our wedding day. For now, just love. In this season and all others.

Photo (by me) is of Bertha hiding among the paper daisys at the Grampians.